It's been a while....

Ok, so it has been a while since I posted. I hate to admit this but I think I have been avoiding it...yes my friends that is correct....me...Bev...avoiding something. Honestly, it is not always easy to talk. Sometimes a time out is required.

In boring Cancer news, so far I have had three chemo treatments and all have gone remarkably well considering. Some mouth sores and the usual nausea but apart from that nothing...and when I say nothing I mean I still have my hair. Yes! I hear you all rejoice...(particularly my brother Matt who although fully prepared for 'Bald Bev' pictures at his Bahamian wedding probably dreams of actual hair as much as I do). However I am trying to remain realistic...Oh who am I kidding! Every night I look in the mirror and pray to God that he will spare my hair. Vanity people is a great motivator. I have one more treatment in a week and then a scan to determine the effect. All being well and assuming the wretched Cancer has responded by getting the eff out of there then we will probably do some more chemo (just for shits and giggles) and then we start talking about clinical trial drugs such as SGN-35, (feel free to google) which have been showing great promise and, (Matt you will be glad to hear this) don't result in hair loss!

In other more spiritual news I have been trying to focus on the positive as we deal with more chemo and the possibility of clinical trials with new drugs and have found that although this is difficult sometimes on a day to day basis, when I think long term about my struggle I am as convinced as I ever was that I will beat this. As a result I have become more and more interested in just exactly where this faith and belief comes from? So far I have not come to any earth shattering conclusions but I have uncovered some childhood memories that remind me I may have always been blessed with more than my fair share of a stubborn streak...(no confirmation required from you Tom)....

When I was a kid I was always the one that the family turned to whenever something went missing. As I am sure you can imagine in a house of 6 people things often went missing and it wasn't always that my little brother John had "borrowed" it. I think anyone who has siblings is familiar with what the term "borrowed" actually means. Yes John, that's right...it's called stealing.. Anyway, for some reason I was always the kid tasked with searching for said item. The 'Sherlock Holmes' of my family if you will. I was simply very good at finding things and I was thinking about this just the other day and wondering why. I began to remember how I used to feel as I searched, how I was always absolutely convinced that I would find it no matter how long it took me. I just knew it was there. Somewhere. Invariably I would locate the item and mostly I realize now simply because I refused to give up and I was willing to search longer and in more places than anyone else. Stubbornly refusing to give up the search and admit defeat. I remember WANTING to find it, it was a literal urge I felt. I believed.

I realize now as I think back to how I felt then as a child that I feel the exact same way today when I think about my struggle with Cancer. I have faith that I will beat this just as I had faith I would find that missing hairbrush or sock or belt. The only difference is that today I know that confidence comes from my faith in God. (all readers should feel free to insert their own spiritual guide / motivator / higher power here).

I may no longer be searching for that lost sock or missing wallet, (although every now and again as every wife knows one MUST search for one's husband's 'misplaced' things...it's in the vows. Trust me), but I am searching every day for more meaning in my life and trying to understand the lessons in each struggle Tom and I face.

Again, sadly no earth shattering answers here folks but I will tell you this. I have learned more about friendship and family in the last four years than ever before and I want you all to know that if you are reading this then you have helped to lift Tom and I up EVERY day in some small way whether you know it or not. I actually wanted this blog to be all about you guys and how much we love the way you love us but as my husband Tom so rightly pointed out when I complained of writers block, we cannot always dictate the creative direction of our thoughts and also, quite frankly people, lets keep it real. I have Cancer...It really is all about me.

xoxoxoxox